A while ago I received an invitation from a colleague.
‘I have been struggling for a while at work. I’m confused and unsatisfied with what I’m doing, yet I don’t know how to fill this gap. Meanwhile, I came across your blog and resonated with what you wrote. Can we meet and talk?’
A few days later, we found ourselves on the rooftop of my apartment building.
Under the dim night sky with distant neon lights of Saigon’s skyscrapers, we were two people new in a workplace, speaking in person for the first time, sitting cross-legged on the camp beds by the pool—pouring our lives into words.
An hour extended into two. We were with aroused curiosity, genuine ears, and open hearts. Topics emerged upon each other. Work. Passion. Education. Voluntary experience. Family. Relationship. Trials and errors. Sorrow. Regret. Fear. Hope.
To me, my colleague didn’t inquire to solve her problems but invited me to open her book and attempt to read between the lines.
We enter life wearing all the ‘should-bes’ and ‘must-bes’ while our original self is stuffed in the closet asking ‘How about being real? Being free?’.
I felt her stories, cheered with her dreams, and ached with her regrets. In the shimmer of the city lights reflected by the water, her eyes glinted. I saw her.
Not with my troubling left eye wearing no contact lens on that evening—but with my heart.
Her soul was beautiful.
Sitting in front of me was a young lady so talented, intelligent, aspirational, and insecure.
Who wasn’t like that at 20-something? Who hasn’t had their hearts broken? Hasn’t wondered who they would become? Who never has doubted if they were good enough? Never has tried, failed, and kept trying?
‘I am relieved to have conversed with you about all this. I thought it was just me‘—she said.
It is easy to believe we are alone in this world when we lower our voices, dim our lights, and put on masks.
Be good, be cool, be successful, be strong—we think.
We enter life wearing all the ‘should-bes’ and ‘must-bes’ while our original self is stuffed in the closet asking ‘How about being real? Being free?‘.
Then, at night, we came home dressing our true skin and crawled into bed thinking about how lonely this life could be.
Eventually, we isolate our truths from the world and let our true selves suffer in exile, while we attempt to fit in.
I felt that too.
Every time we ask ourselves these questions, our sense of worthiness decreases a little. After years, we walk around with an empty vase of confidence, putting on a mask and looking for others to validate our worth.
I feared being alienated for being an introvert.
People told me to be ‘more energetic’. I knew I wouldn’t ‘drug’ myself to artificialize my ‘highs’. Though, I was too self-conscious to be in the bright.
I unconsciously retreated to a dark corner, letting my self-defensive mechanism put on its ‘take it or leave it’ shield, while my insecurity whispered ‘I don’t belong here’.
The more I hid away my true qualities and imperfections, the further I drove myself apart from others, the greater my struggle became.
I believe it was not just me. Many among us have felt that too.
Often, I heard my coachees say, ‘Why am I like this?’ and ‘Why can’t I be ‘normal’?’.
Every time, my heart ached a little. I used to ask myself the same things.
We fear being incompetent, inadequate, or irrelevant. We secretly doubt whether we are worthy of connection.
Every time we ask ourselves these questions, our sense of worthiness decreases a little. After years, we walk around with an empty vase of confidence, putting on a mask and looking for others to validate our worth.
A while ago, I decided to stop doing that and start doing the opposite.
- I stop going to must-attend social events. I leave early.
- I talk to fewer people in networking spaces. I stay silent and observe as I want to.
- I raise my opinions even if they contrast with the mainstream.
Presenting your true self to the world is similar to detoxing. When you refuse to intake the addictives, your body will be kicking and screaming. With time and practice, it will grow to love the purities and enrichments it is intentionally left with.
My favorite go-to responses (and anticipations) when anyone asks are
- I’m an introvert. This is my way.
- I’m not having a hard time. I’m having a wonderful time being who I am.
- I don’t know all the good places to hang out in town. I love my garden and my own space.
- I enjoy spending time here. I also prioritize being with myself.
- We don’t have to agree with each other to be friends. This is democracy.
- This may sound unusual, but it’s my story.
Whenever I feel the urge to explain myself, I take pause. I don’t apologize (anymore).
Fewer people relate to me or want to hang out with me. It’s scary at first — to lose the validation that you are an acceptable human being and whether you will ever feel included again.
The effects of presenting your true self to the world are similar to detoxing. When you refuse to intake the addictives, your body will be kicking and screaming. With time and practice, it will grow to love the purities and enrichments it is intentionally given.
When we choose to unapologetically embrace our authenticity, we distance ourselves from people who only adore our masks, and invite those who love us for our true selves. We rebuild our authentic relationship with the world and restore the one within ourselves.
That connection is stronger and deeper because it is rooted in the truth.
Most importantly, the person who will realize how much they adore your true self is you. This is you filling up your own vase of worthiness and confidence, and going on living your true dream and your true life.
‘Detoxing’ yourself can be difficult. But it’s worth it.
‘True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world’
What I have found, interestingly enough, is as incredibly unique as each human being could be, our victories and struggles are incredibly mutual.
For almost every imperfection, misfortune, and despair we may be withstanding, there are other human beings undergoing similar experiences.
If only we open our hearts, raise our voices, shed the light on our darkest places, and let others see not only our hopes and dreams but also our wounds and pains, we might recognize we have never been alone.
Human beings are wired to connect and belong. But we are never ready for them until we show up in our authentic skin.
No matter how different it is due to our identity. No matter how scared it is due to our struggles.
‘True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world’—as Bréne Brown remarked—and ‘connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.
A world with elevated connection and belonging is a world with understanding, acceptance, love, courage, unity, and peace.
What is the true identity you have been conforming to?
The truths you have been carrying in your hearts like treasure?
The experience that made you feel alive? The one that broke you and changed you for good?
Choose to walk in your stories, own them, wear them with pride, and pronounce them.
Then, may we see ourselves in each other, cheer one another in our pursuits, and raise ourselves up during hardships.
May we sit with each other on team building nights not only discussing our dating portfolios and sexual records. Appear on social media not only as a collection of our outward, superficial successes.
May we see each other as real and free human beings.
May our dreams, hopes, fears, pains, failures, and lessons be vocalized — not in the condition of public applause, digital interactions, or social approval—but with the genuine intention to express our earnest selves in front of life.
So that our souls can connect, belong, and regain the collective courage and wisdom to boldly journey our paths.